Redemption
She was a beauty made; fashioned and formed for a man
Knowing not the searing loss of the life that was made and the joy she had,
Seized the chance to become her own, swallowed a promise that would make her whole
The whole of life was swallowed up; the light in her eyes grew dim
And brokenness, and gripping fear ripped her to pieces
It’s a misunderstanding riddled with pride
She believed this was all about her
But who was she? And what was her life?
It caused her to die.
I am a lovely bride dressed in the purity of white and life
My Home created me, the promise sure, it will endure
His Word is true, and it stands for you too
But my heart, a wayward breeze, meanders towards the oceans of me
Consuming fire of self-absorbed praise burns me to pieces.
It’s a misunderstanding riddled with pride
I believed this was all about me
But who am I? And what is my life?
It’s time for me to die.
Whom have I but the Giver of life; the blood He shed endures.
The death he bore brings life to us; His glory ever pure.
His promise, it is sure; we’ll live forevermore.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Layers
This week has been one of the most monumental weeks of my life, but I'm afraid I won't even be able to capture it in words. It's too late to write anyway, but I cannot allow myself to sleep without at least attempting to express what is and has been going on in my simple little being.
The Lord is revealing to me His power and His magnitude. It seems I must have written this before, possibly over and over again, but how tiny do I make the God who is Creator! I box Him up in my simple mind, never allowing Him to become larger than my capability to comprehend. After all, if I can't comprehend Him, I am relieved of my control, and if I am relieved of my control, I am no longer my own god.
Oh.
Is that what this has been all about? And I am sent reeling. Yes, yes... the haze is clearing from my sleepy mind. The pain arrives, quickening my senses. Reality strikes, and a dull ache sets in. The horrifying fact that my sin is not simply a series of actions and behaviors I can change is glaring at me, staring me down with beady eyes. I've seen these eyes before, and they speak a thick cloud of condemnation over me without saying a word. I am sinking.
Psalm 73:21-23
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
The Lord God, our God is bigger than we know. His arms stretch out past eternity, and His glory is eternal. He has given us good and perfect gifts. His mercies are new every morning. He has promised to deliver us from our sin. He became a man so that He Himself might become our sin. The Lord God, our God is bigger than I realize.
It's really late now, and my eyes are closing, so that's all I'm going to write. I don't even know if any of it flows or not, but I just had the urge to write about what God is doing.
The Lord is revealing to me His power and His magnitude. It seems I must have written this before, possibly over and over again, but how tiny do I make the God who is Creator! I box Him up in my simple mind, never allowing Him to become larger than my capability to comprehend. After all, if I can't comprehend Him, I am relieved of my control, and if I am relieved of my control, I am no longer my own god.
Oh.
Is that what this has been all about? And I am sent reeling. Yes, yes... the haze is clearing from my sleepy mind. The pain arrives, quickening my senses. Reality strikes, and a dull ache sets in. The horrifying fact that my sin is not simply a series of actions and behaviors I can change is glaring at me, staring me down with beady eyes. I've seen these eyes before, and they speak a thick cloud of condemnation over me without saying a word. I am sinking.
Psalm 73:21-23
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
The Lord God, our God is bigger than we know. His arms stretch out past eternity, and His glory is eternal. He has given us good and perfect gifts. His mercies are new every morning. He has promised to deliver us from our sin. He became a man so that He Himself might become our sin. The Lord God, our God is bigger than I realize.
It's really late now, and my eyes are closing, so that's all I'm going to write. I don't even know if any of it flows or not, but I just had the urge to write about what God is doing.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Stripped
I often wonder whether or not I truly depend solely on Christ and on Him alone. I know the answer is clear- He is responsible even for the breath in my very lungs, but do I as a human being, having been offered this beautiful gift of life- do I really rely on the Giver of this gift? The glaring answer has become more apparent over the last fifteen days. Temporarily, I have been stripped of most things I depend on.
Graduation happened in a flurry of events, family came and left, friends moved away for the summer, and the man my heart has grown to love left with my best friend to float down the Amazon River on a medical missions trip for seventeen days. I am on day fifteen of the seventeen. All of this happened simultaneously. It was as if the Saturday and Sunday of graduation weekend were in fast forward, and when Monday hit, time stopped. I felt numb. No classes to worry about, no close friends or family near, no dinners to plan, no people to drive; only myself and the Lord; I felt so alone.
My emotions have been all over the place, and I have been everything from bored to literal tears to over-worked and exhausted since that day, but one thing has remained consistent. The steadfast love of the Lord endures. He has drawn me into the desert to be with Him, and though I at times fight or ignore His whispers, I am learning to let go of my loneliness and to sit at His feet.
It's funny to find out what I find my worth in. Time alone has offered me a chance to really face this. For example, I tend to be that "nice" person who over-commits in time toward helping the people who need it. I wear myself thin "serving the Lord" on a regular basis. Had I never been told about grace, I would be the one killing myself trying to work for salvation and forgiveness. The Lord would have none of that over these past couple of weeks. He has literally forced me to give up. He hasn't even allowed me to do much to serve other people- no one has needed anything. Prayer has really become my only means of service at this point. I think in most cases, that could be used as an excuse, but the Lord seems to have different ways of working in His children than we expect. He wants them to be healthy and whole, and He wants them to sit still every once in a while- more than I would ever think to be necessary.
I still feel crazy every now and then. I still freak myself out when I catch myself talking out loud to an empty house. I am still incredibly thankful that this period of time in my life is about to come to an end, but I will never forget it. I will never forget the conversations I had in prayer before I drifted off to sleep, or the silent mornings that I shared with the Lord sipping coffee and soaking up nourishment from His word. I will need to be reminded again and again in life, but for now, I am learning that my worth exists without everything I try to add to it. I am worth something because the Creator of the world says I am. He spoke my life into existence, and because I exist, I am worth more than I know. I am learning more about His love, and my need for it. And maybe... just maybe I am learning a little bit more about being still.
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes." -Psalm 118:8-9
"The LORD is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." -Psalm 118:14
Graduation happened in a flurry of events, family came and left, friends moved away for the summer, and the man my heart has grown to love left with my best friend to float down the Amazon River on a medical missions trip for seventeen days. I am on day fifteen of the seventeen. All of this happened simultaneously. It was as if the Saturday and Sunday of graduation weekend were in fast forward, and when Monday hit, time stopped. I felt numb. No classes to worry about, no close friends or family near, no dinners to plan, no people to drive; only myself and the Lord; I felt so alone.
My emotions have been all over the place, and I have been everything from bored to literal tears to over-worked and exhausted since that day, but one thing has remained consistent. The steadfast love of the Lord endures. He has drawn me into the desert to be with Him, and though I at times fight or ignore His whispers, I am learning to let go of my loneliness and to sit at His feet.
It's funny to find out what I find my worth in. Time alone has offered me a chance to really face this. For example, I tend to be that "nice" person who over-commits in time toward helping the people who need it. I wear myself thin "serving the Lord" on a regular basis. Had I never been told about grace, I would be the one killing myself trying to work for salvation and forgiveness. The Lord would have none of that over these past couple of weeks. He has literally forced me to give up. He hasn't even allowed me to do much to serve other people- no one has needed anything. Prayer has really become my only means of service at this point. I think in most cases, that could be used as an excuse, but the Lord seems to have different ways of working in His children than we expect. He wants them to be healthy and whole, and He wants them to sit still every once in a while- more than I would ever think to be necessary.
I still feel crazy every now and then. I still freak myself out when I catch myself talking out loud to an empty house. I am still incredibly thankful that this period of time in my life is about to come to an end, but I will never forget it. I will never forget the conversations I had in prayer before I drifted off to sleep, or the silent mornings that I shared with the Lord sipping coffee and soaking up nourishment from His word. I will need to be reminded again and again in life, but for now, I am learning that my worth exists without everything I try to add to it. I am worth something because the Creator of the world says I am. He spoke my life into existence, and because I exist, I am worth more than I know. I am learning more about His love, and my need for it. And maybe... just maybe I am learning a little bit more about being still.
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes." -Psalm 118:8-9
"The LORD is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." -Psalm 118:14
Thursday, February 26, 2009
His
I've been in such a sentimental writing mood lately. Spring is about to arrive. I feel it in my bones. I am anxious for the sun. Today I realized that I am my mothers' daughter when I noticed tiny new shoots of daffodil flowers poking their heads bravely above the cold soil. I squealed sub-concsiously and jumped up and down. How ridiculous. Mid-squeal I thought to myself... Cynthia?? Haha! It made me laugh.
I am learning the beauty that God gives His children. It is so enjoyable and creates an automatic flow outward. I walk through my days knowing that I am His dove and that His eyes are never lifted from where I am. He is using people in my life to display this glorious beauty that ultimately looks like Him. I love it. In reading some of my very old posts while copying them over, I started to realize that I have been in some very dark places. It is so good to be out of such a long and intense storm. I know not to rely on this good weather, but I am very thankful for a new perspective and a greater understanding of God's love. I know it has helped me love the people around me with authenticity I would never conjure up on my own.
I am learning the beauty that God gives His children. It is so enjoyable and creates an automatic flow outward. I walk through my days knowing that I am His dove and that His eyes are never lifted from where I am. He is using people in my life to display this glorious beauty that ultimately looks like Him. I love it. In reading some of my very old posts while copying them over, I started to realize that I have been in some very dark places. It is so good to be out of such a long and intense storm. I know not to rely on this good weather, but I am very thankful for a new perspective and a greater understanding of God's love. I know it has helped me love the people around me with authenticity I would never conjure up on my own.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Explanation
Ok people,
And by people I mean the 2 or 3 people who actually look at this thing... haha!
Don't be alarmed by the HUGE amount of writing I just posted. I was trying to gradually copy stuff out of myspace, but that was taking too long, so I just copied it all in here.
Feel free to read, but keep in mind, most of this stuff is really old. It was interesting to scan over what I wrote over the past few years. I've changed a lot and then not at all.
I mostly just put it in here for the memories. :)
And by people I mean the 2 or 3 people who actually look at this thing... haha!
Don't be alarmed by the HUGE amount of writing I just posted. I was trying to gradually copy stuff out of myspace, but that was taking too long, so I just copied it all in here.
Feel free to read, but keep in mind, most of this stuff is really old. It was interesting to scan over what I wrote over the past few years. I've changed a lot and then not at all.
I mostly just put it in here for the memories. :)
January 1, 2007- July 2, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
I Stand Alone
Summer is such a wistful time of year. You would think it would be this way in the winter when everything is gray and dead, but sometimes solitude is required in the most carefree of seasons. How much will I learn in this part of my life? As much as is required, I suppose, and I am thankful, even in the dull ache of things. Of course my words are over-dramatic. I cannot count the amount of times I've laughed and loved every second of it, but there is that thing tugging at my heart even still.
I think there is some sort of gravity in everyone pulling them towards losing themselves to something. Life is so beautiful in all of it's twists and uncertainties. I find myself admiring the mystery of it all in the midst of my tiny trials that seem larger than life. My small heart pulses and swells in waves when I am overcome with experiences. This morning I played with three little kids in a pool and watched them in their innocence. I listened to a dear friend's wisdom as she nurtured me with encouraging, yet realistic words. As truth washed over me and soothed my anxieties I was put into perspective. "You must learn to stand alone, Rachel. You will not always have the comfort of the people around you. You must be made strong by Christ and by Christ alone." As I heard these things, I felt I was being trained for the future. It seemed as though life was only just beginning and that my mind and heart were being prepared for battle and for tragedy. I am certain that this short life offers little relief, and my hope is thankfully not in relief, but in Christ.
Christ offers such a lovely picture, because He is reality, and is full of compassion, mercy, and strength. He stood alone, the Man of sorrows, and yet in Him was life and the life was the light of men. I am convinced that men fear the light because it is unknown. They choose to reside in utter darkness because it is familiar, and regardless of how miserable it may be, they understand it. Maybe there is a sense of control involved. I sometimes feel this way, tripping along the fringes of the light, longing to be swept up in it, but holding back for fear that I will be exposed, and if exposed, ridiculed, and if ridiculed, rejected. And what then? What will come of me if I am utterly rejected? I tremble in fear with this thought lingering in my mind until I remember reality, something I can't even wrap my mind around. Reality is I have been accepted as I am. I am eternally swept into the light, and to hide in the darkness goes against my new nature.
The Truth has set me free, and I am free indeed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
From Heart to Lips
"Whoever gives thought to a matter will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD. The wise of heart is called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness." Proverbs 16:20-21
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle tongue is a tree of life," Proverbs 15:4
"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds" Psalm 141:3-4
I'm finding that my perception of the Creator is revealed in the words that come from my lips. I cannot mask unbelief or a lack of faith; my tongue betrays my heart. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10.
I can no longer attempt to be clean on the outside... I must be made clean beginning with my very soul. How? Is it not impossible? I am so often swept away by my works. I desire to be clean, and so I strive to seem clean on the surface. These works in which I attempt to gain the unattainable: perfect righteousness... these works condemn me! They lead to death, not life. Secret chains wrap around me and I am held inches away from the light. I am there, in the dark, straining towards what is good, and pure, and lovely, all the while placing chain after chain upon myself.
In order to be made clean, I must know the living God. I must step into His burning light, and even feel my sin burn up. His precepts are not burdensome. He does not set rules for me as a trap. He knows who I am and what I am capable of because He created me. He has shown me mercy and steadfast love. In His perfect love, He wills me to be perfect... the process is messy. In it, every speck of sin in which I am entangled is revealed in His light. There is no place to hide. He gently, yet firmly burns up my impurities with His righteous love.
His will is that I would enjoy His gift of love. He has taken the burden upon Himself. He bore my sin. He suffered for it, paid for it, even to His death... does He not wish me to be free from it also? His death was not in vain.
"For freedom Christ ahs set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not subit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Charles Spurgeon and some thoughts
"The counts are many against men, but this one more must be mentioned—many know God, but they never glorify him as God by submitting themselves to him, and yielding up their members to be instruments of his glory. If I glorify God as God, then I desire to obey God's commandments, to spread his glory, to magnify his name. I desire in all things to please him, if indeed I treat him as God should be treated. If I know God, and yet live for my own profit, for my own honour, for my own comfort, then I do not glorify God as God. Oh, sirs, when the Lord is glorified as God, we yield ourselves to his control without a murmur. He may take what he will away from us, and we say, "It is the Lord: let him do what seemeth him good." He may remove every comfort from us, and cover us with sore boils and blains, but we shall sit down with Job upon the dunghill, and say, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Knowing him as God will make us submissive to suffer, and quick to act. We shall feel the force of Elijah's cry, "If the Lord be God, follow him." We shall rouse ourselves to the utmost energy to serve him when he stands before us as really God. If we serve man and are faithful, we do the best we can for our master; but if God be our Master, oh, what service we are bound to render to him! What enthusiasm ought to be kindled in our breast by the belief that we are God's servants! "I am thy servant," is our happy claim, our honoured challenge. This it is that makes a man of a man, and something more than man. Oh, to learn this lesson, and to practise it! To glorify God as God will make us akin to angels! Even you Christians may feel that this is much beyond you yet, but towards it you must ever fly. I shrink before my Lord in speaking of him, but I desire what I have not yet attained—that I may truly glorify him as my Lord and my God." -Spurgeon, Knowledge, Worship, Gratitude (Romans 1:20-21)
Psalm 39:7-9 says, "And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish I was mute, I did not open my mouth, because it was You who did it."
Psalm 40:1-2 says, "I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps."
I am consumed with love for my Creator because His love has consumed me. It has burned me up, and I want nothing less than Him. Life itself is entirely bland and unsatisfying compared to my Savior's love, yet it is so intensely enjoyable because of Him. I have found my soul at rest in the midst of whatever is brought my way. An abundance of grace is poured out, and my cup overflows with it. I am made vibrant with energy to serve Him, and to tell everyone I meet about Him. So this is abundant life... surrender, submission, even death to self. Recklessly I hurl more and more of my self down at his feet, and my spirit sings all the more beautifully.
His creation sings His praise. This morning the burning sunrise... amber and rose intertwining with golds, bore radiant evidence of His glory. And I in the midst of it, with my heart swelling with nothing but adoration. Tender new mothers with belly's swollen. Their children leap in the womb at the sound of His Name. Alive, I give every good and perfect gift back to the Father.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Be Still and Know that I am God
Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! - Psalm 27:14
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. -Psalm 62:1-2
My soul wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge is in God. -Psalm 62:5-7
Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him. -Psalm 37:3-5
I'm so used to living in America... the fast food, fast lane, fast line, high-speed, brain overloading culture that we are so emerged in. To sit in silence and wait for the LORD is something that I have been wrestling with lately. Silence... no computer keys clicking, no music blaring, no conversations circling, no internet screens flashing...
silence.
and nothing more.
When will you speak to me, Father? I often yell above the din. The racket noise of all my thoughts clanging and banging together like an orchestra of symbols clashes over my longing for Him. And I am swept away in a whirlwind, crying, LORD, LORD!
His words are gentle... His voice is soft and soothing. It is often much more quiet than the voice of the accuser, but when listened to, it is infinitely more powerful.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;"
Because He is what we long for. He is what we need. Our portion forever.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
stop and smell the roses
I was on my way home from church tonight with one of my dearest friends when we saw it... I'm a sucker for the sunset. After a quick U-turn, we pulled into a vacant parking lot to admire our precious Lord's articulate work in the sky. Pinks and golds sprinkled across blue fading into green and grays... a masterpiece.
"Have I told you lately how much I think about you..." the words of that song rang true in our ears as we loved God and enjoyed Him together. It's true, we weren't doing anything productive at the moment. We weren't in the trenches of ministry sweating it out for the Great Cause. For those few minutes, we were sitting in His presence, soaking Him up.
"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You." -Psalm 139:18-
The psalmist says "I am still with You." Infinitely connected and woven together with my Creator, I long for Him more. And because of this I am His bondservant. I will serve in the trenches of His will, existing as a light, groaning for the day when I will be wholly transformed.
What a joy to be pursued by Perfect Love.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Sarah Pierrepont- the wife of Jonathan Edwards
I found this short paragraph written by Jonathan Edwards in my Anthology of American Lit. It is written about the woman he later married. What a testimony of God's grace in her life.
Sarah Pierrepont
They say there is a young lady [in New Haven] who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world; and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on Him; that she expects after a while to be received up where He is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven, being assured hat He loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from Him always. There she is to dwell with Him, and to be ravished with His love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it, and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind, especially after this Great God has manifested Himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to lace, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.
1723
Jonathan Edwards
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I Boast No More
No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I had before
To trust the merits of thy Son
No more, my God, I boast no more
Now for the loss I bear His Name
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross
No more, my God, I boast no more
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
Yes, and I must and will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
Oh may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake.
Amen.
-Isaac Watts-
Saturday, September 01, 2007
My Heart Leaps...
Peace that passes ALL understanding? YES! In the midst of any circumstance? Oh how my heart leaps with utter joy and adoration. Worship the LORD. Praise Him for who HE IS. And can it be that I am not and shall never again be judged according to my own "good," which is as filthy rags to the King?
His blood is enough.
It is finished.
For while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
He Only is my rock and my salvation
Psalm 143-- my study Bible describes it as an earnest appeal for guidance and deliverance...
"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. In Your mercy cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my soul; For I am Your servant" 143:111-12
Father,
My thoughts are clouded with my own desires. I hate when a person is upset and I can do nothing to cure the frustration. Wisdom I lack. I will ask in faith of You. My mind is a raging storm of thoughts. I need You to calm the winds and remind me Who my God is. I must not be concerned with how things will affect me. My desire is to abandon all to You. To press on in the race, in my endless pursuit of You is imperative. I surrender my worries. I cast down my doubt. I hand You my poor attitude and my selfish will, and I remember that I am bound to You, and that You will not cast me off.
I want to love You, Jesus, because You have loved me... and then I am reminded that I am able to love you, because I am reminded that Your gruesome death has made me able. I can stand as I am before a righteous God, and His judgment of which I so often fear passes directly past me and on to You on that wretched, lovely cross. But You are not on that humiliating contraption now.
No, You are high... higher than the heavens. You are lifted up and all of creation is bowed down before You. You are great in power and magnificent in strength. You rule what You have spoken into existence with kindness and justice, and your wrath is poured on all that is against You.
My heart is drawn to repentance when I realize the gravity of my sin. I fear You, and then I am swept up in Your love. You have treated me gently. You have broken bones to heal them, and You tend to my wounds.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strenth,a nd my refuge is in God." Psalm 62:5-7
Friday, June 15, 2007
what a beautiful mess i'm in
It's funny how seasons come and pass so flippantly, as if it's an every day thing. I suppose it is an every day thing for everything to change... but for some reason I'm still not used to it.
Living alone is something I thought I would never do. I've always been needy of people around me constantly, and in fact, I still feel that way. In a lot of ways things are going great. I've got all the hours I could ever want for work, good people around me to pour into, enough cash to pay for school, rent, and food. I have been and am being successful at this whole independence thing... and yet I can barely wait to be finished with it.
I long for companionship. I often ache with a dull pain, and my tears seem in vain because there is no one to catch them in their hands. I have found that eating alone is a duty. It must be done to sustain energy, and that is all. There is no laughing... no poking fun at... there are no annoyances... no arguments. Only silence, and my occasional solitary voice singing whatever pops into my mind. I want a family to care for. The desire to be needed is unavoidable. I want to love and be loved.
This summer must be a time of pouring out. I must draw strength from my Redeemer. My Provider. I must learn to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself. I am painfully excited about this time of my life. So much uncertainty is bound to lead one to utter dependence on Whomever is Lord of her life.
Oh Lord, teach me to love you recklessly. Teach me to love people with an undying love, which is pure and radiant. Impute into me something that I can give and give and never receive, and yet have more to give. Keep Your promise that I will find you when I seek you with my whole heart. I hunger and thirst for You with every fiber of my being. Be with me even now.
Lord, I pray for whoever reads this. Be with the struggling and the weak. Be with those who have no strength to go on. I love you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
All Things New
There is something so refreshing about the word "new." The spring atmosphere brings the word to my mind.
"New" is an electric word... especially in the Word of God.
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in the newness of life." -Romans 6:4-
"And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience," -Ephesians 2:1-2-
A friend and I were talking, and the subject of sin came up. She said that we underestimate sin. Sin is not apathy towards God. It is not merely selfish pride, or wicked acts. Sin is hatred of God. It is purely wretched and evil... even the smallest sin. In my wretched state, I hated God. I was His enemy. He has a right to slay me due to my hatred of Him, for God is perfect. He defines the word "good." Take a moment to think about this.
Your worst enemy who hates you, and most certainly would kill you if he could, is about to die. He has done everything against you... he has lied to you, cheated you, raped you, stolen your children away if you have any... this person is murderous and deserves ultimate punishment. What would you do if this person was about to die? Would you save him? If it took your own life, would you intervene?
I wouldn't.
We are this murderous person. We have all sinned against God, and since sin is hatred of God, we are vile creatures, deserving only death.
Oh and one more thing...
We killed His precious Son. Jesus Christ intervened for our death. He took the blame for the sins of each man, woman, and child, and was punished accordingly.
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8-
New life comes through death. The Word says that when you lose your life, you will find it. I have never been more alive than when I died to myself and fully embraced Christ, who gave His life up that I might live alive.
Jesus Christ did not remain dead. He rose again after three days, and is alive today. He is beckoning the world to come and be washed in His blood. Have you been washed? Can you stand before God Almighty, knowing you are innocent because of His grace?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Candy Cane's and Birthday Fun
I'm 20 now. It was my birthday yesterday. 20 seems so much older than I am. The other day I was combing candy cane out of my hair, hoping I wouldn't have to cut it out. I don't even EAT candy canes! When I was younger, I thought of 20 year old people as sophisticated adults wearing classy clothes and making educated comments about politics. I'm not sure where I got that picture from, but that is definitely not me.
I'm enjoying the process of growing up. It's just life. This is a sort of awkward part of life, though, I have to admit. It kind of feels like "no man's land"... like I'm in limbo or something. I wonder if the rest of life is like that. When you're a kid, everything seems so permanent. I guess when you get older, you start to realize that there's only one permanent thing.
Yesterday my mom gave me a great birthday present. She filled up my tank with gas, got in my car, and we drove. We drove everywhere. While we talked, we drove through places soaked in memory. We drove over the mountain and through little towns that I've known for years. We talked and drove and enjoyed each other. When we passed our old "house" which was really a tiny trailor (that seemed huge to me when we lived in it), my mom was remembering being a young mother. She told me that it's a very fulfilling time of life to have little kids and a new husband. I was glad she said that to me.
I'm so thankful for family who loves me. For the people who have seen me at my worst, and who would be there in a heartbeat the second they found out I needed them. God really had a great idea when He created us relationally. There's so much joy in love and in friendship with each other!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
This little light of mine
It's so late at night and I'm wide awake...
It seems like I've been reminded over and over again lately how GREAT my God is, and how I have absolutely nothing to do with it... I have this bubbly feeling in my chest when I realize that I am on an adventure. A great big adventure that will last forever... it's not always easy, in fact it's mostly too hard for me to bear by myself, aside from the small "breathers" I've been blessed with. Knowing this is partly what stirs up those butterflies inside of me... my life... this adventure that I'm on is too hard for me to get through alone, and that's just the thing... I'm NOT alone! Ever... never ever am I left entirely helpless and hopeless.
God did not rescue me from my sin and then leave me alone. I am not fed to the wolves! I am not even able to destroy myself!!! "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Haven't you ever wanted to be free from yourself? Your self-pity, your self hatred... your self-centered self? I have... I struggle often with hating myself, pitying myself, and telling myself I deserve better... Here's the most exciting thing about that... When you trust in Jesus, you ARE free from yourself! In fact... when I come humbly before my Precious Lord and repent of my sin, asking Him to restore me, and thanking Him for His endless grace, I am dead to myself. I am free.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
"So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." - Romans 6:11
"But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness." - Romans 8:10
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A Breath of Fresh Air
As much as I hate gray weather, gray trees, brown grass, and bleak temperatures, they've helped instill in me a deep appreciation for life, color, and warmth. There's that saying, "You never know what you had until you've lost it." Well, where I'm from, that saying rings truer than ever, in my opinion. Everything dies in about the month of October, and we don't get it back until May. If you've never experienced the color gray for seven months out of a year, you most likely don't have the same appreciation for color and warmth as I do.
Yesterday I took a nice drive up to New Hampshire to visit family. After a relaxing day of playing "matching" with my curly-headed cousin (who is four, and quite a whimsical little character), and monopoly with the rest of the family, I went to sleep and woke up for the drive home... the drive was exactly what I needed.
I love to have my breath stolen by my Lord...
Somewhere along my life I've become addicted to the beauty God has created in nature. Lately I've been craving some kind of a surprise (which is how I feel when I see a breathtaking view of God's design). I was driving home all by myself singing David Crowder as loud as I could, when the sun broke forth through the clouds. I was instantly surrounded by streaming rays of warmth, and I gazed intently at the molten fiery ball of sun that you're not supposed to look at (especially while driving down the interstate). The colors were vibrant and majestic, and the sky that was clearing became that deep, bright blue that I often long to see. Such a great contrast against the dead, gray trees. I was wrapped in peace and held by love. I could hear the verse in Malachi that I love, "The Sun of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings;" (4:2).
"Raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then I'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully I'll run to You." I sang the words and felt the warmth, enjoying and admiring the gift that had just been given to me.
Thank you Jesus for healing... for allowing me to experience joy, and peace. Thank you for love, and especially for grace... those words that I am only beginning to understand. Thank you for reminding me yet again that this world is not my home... that I am a child designed for another world, and that I will indeed live to enter into that world. You are my home. You are my Rock... the only secure thing I have.
"even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." ~Romans 8:23-24~
Monday, January 01, 2007
cliche's never help
Have you ever felt bombarded by Christian cliche's? Smile! Jesus loves you! Once you understand the gospel, your life will be solved!
Sometimes I just want someone to listen. I want them to weep with me and to cry out to God with me. I don't want their answers... I already know the answers. It doesn't take away pain... is pain wrong?
I am convinced that pain can be felt amidst joy... that it is used for a great purpose. I will not despair. He has brought me through storms and trials before... He will hold me together through another if He wills to do so, and He has promised to do so...
I want to worship God with my life and not with my words alone. I want to tell people who are having a hard time that it is not easy. None of the apostles had easy lives. They weren't taking vacations and planning for retirement. They were being beaten and imprisoned... persecuted for this faith... yet they so passionately clung to this faith... why did they hold so tightly to this faith?
There must have been something magnificent to cling to if they were willing to go through all of this gruelling pain... something so great that it was worth intense suffering. In Acts 14, Paul and Barnabas encourage the people who had just received Christ with these words, "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (14:22) These men knew what kind of tribulations these new followers would face. Paul had just been stoned until they thought he was dead... James had been killed, Peter, his brother had been arrested... these men were destined to suffer pain, and yet they were filled with unexplainable joy and peace that surpassed all understanding.
These men were clinging to the only hope that exists. They were filled with the only supernatural power available. They possessed the One True Light. Their minds were renewed... they were transformed into new creatures... these men were fully alive, and if you have something to live for, it is certainly worth suffering and even dying for.
There is nothing cliche about following Jesus Christ. All your problems will not go away. In fact, following Christ involves death to self. It hurts! But I can promise that there is nothing more freeing than taking up your cross and following Him. My life is miserable when I live for myself. I am empty and cannot be filled without my precious Lord.
In Romans 8:18, Paul boldly declares, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God."
The rest of the chapter is amazing. Through all this weakness, all this pain, all this suffering, "we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor prinicalities nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 38-39~
I will dance, I will sing
To be mad for my King
Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul
And I'll become even more undignified than this...
I Stand Alone
Summer is such a wistful time of year. You would think it would be this way in the winter when everything is gray and dead, but sometimes solitude is required in the most carefree of seasons. How much will I learn in this part of my life? As much as is required, I suppose, and I am thankful, even in the dull ache of things. Of course my words are over-dramatic. I cannot count the amount of times I've laughed and loved every second of it, but there is that thing tugging at my heart even still.
I think there is some sort of gravity in everyone pulling them towards losing themselves to something. Life is so beautiful in all of it's twists and uncertainties. I find myself admiring the mystery of it all in the midst of my tiny trials that seem larger than life. My small heart pulses and swells in waves when I am overcome with experiences. This morning I played with three little kids in a pool and watched them in their innocence. I listened to a dear friend's wisdom as she nurtured me with encouraging, yet realistic words. As truth washed over me and soothed my anxieties I was put into perspective. "You must learn to stand alone, Rachel. You will not always have the comfort of the people around you. You must be made strong by Christ and by Christ alone." As I heard these things, I felt I was being trained for the future. It seemed as though life was only just beginning and that my mind and heart were being prepared for battle and for tragedy. I am certain that this short life offers little relief, and my hope is thankfully not in relief, but in Christ.
Christ offers such a lovely picture, because He is reality, and is full of compassion, mercy, and strength. He stood alone, the Man of sorrows, and yet in Him was life and the life was the light of men. I am convinced that men fear the light because it is unknown. They choose to reside in utter darkness because it is familiar, and regardless of how miserable it may be, they understand it. Maybe there is a sense of control involved. I sometimes feel this way, tripping along the fringes of the light, longing to be swept up in it, but holding back for fear that I will be exposed, and if exposed, ridiculed, and if ridiculed, rejected. And what then? What will come of me if I am utterly rejected? I tremble in fear with this thought lingering in my mind until I remember reality, something I can't even wrap my mind around. Reality is I have been accepted as I am. I am eternally swept into the light, and to hide in the darkness goes against my new nature.
The Truth has set me free, and I am free indeed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
From Heart to Lips
"Whoever gives thought to a matter will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD. The wise of heart is called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness." Proverbs 16:20-21
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle tongue is a tree of life," Proverbs 15:4
"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds" Psalm 141:3-4
I'm finding that my perception of the Creator is revealed in the words that come from my lips. I cannot mask unbelief or a lack of faith; my tongue betrays my heart. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10.
I can no longer attempt to be clean on the outside... I must be made clean beginning with my very soul. How? Is it not impossible? I am so often swept away by my works. I desire to be clean, and so I strive to seem clean on the surface. These works in which I attempt to gain the unattainable: perfect righteousness... these works condemn me! They lead to death, not life. Secret chains wrap around me and I am held inches away from the light. I am there, in the dark, straining towards what is good, and pure, and lovely, all the while placing chain after chain upon myself.
In order to be made clean, I must know the living God. I must step into His burning light, and even feel my sin burn up. His precepts are not burdensome. He does not set rules for me as a trap. He knows who I am and what I am capable of because He created me. He has shown me mercy and steadfast love. In His perfect love, He wills me to be perfect... the process is messy. In it, every speck of sin in which I am entangled is revealed in His light. There is no place to hide. He gently, yet firmly burns up my impurities with His righteous love.
His will is that I would enjoy His gift of love. He has taken the burden upon Himself. He bore my sin. He suffered for it, paid for it, even to His death... does He not wish me to be free from it also? His death was not in vain.
"For freedom Christ ahs set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not subit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Charles Spurgeon and some thoughts
"The counts are many against men, but this one more must be mentioned—many know God, but they never glorify him as God by submitting themselves to him, and yielding up their members to be instruments of his glory. If I glorify God as God, then I desire to obey God's commandments, to spread his glory, to magnify his name. I desire in all things to please him, if indeed I treat him as God should be treated. If I know God, and yet live for my own profit, for my own honour, for my own comfort, then I do not glorify God as God. Oh, sirs, when the Lord is glorified as God, we yield ourselves to his control without a murmur. He may take what he will away from us, and we say, "It is the Lord: let him do what seemeth him good." He may remove every comfort from us, and cover us with sore boils and blains, but we shall sit down with Job upon the dunghill, and say, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Knowing him as God will make us submissive to suffer, and quick to act. We shall feel the force of Elijah's cry, "If the Lord be God, follow him." We shall rouse ourselves to the utmost energy to serve him when he stands before us as really God. If we serve man and are faithful, we do the best we can for our master; but if God be our Master, oh, what service we are bound to render to him! What enthusiasm ought to be kindled in our breast by the belief that we are God's servants! "I am thy servant," is our happy claim, our honoured challenge. This it is that makes a man of a man, and something more than man. Oh, to learn this lesson, and to practise it! To glorify God as God will make us akin to angels! Even you Christians may feel that this is much beyond you yet, but towards it you must ever fly. I shrink before my Lord in speaking of him, but I desire what I have not yet attained—that I may truly glorify him as my Lord and my God." -Spurgeon, Knowledge, Worship, Gratitude (Romans 1:20-21)
Psalm 39:7-9 says, "And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish I was mute, I did not open my mouth, because it was You who did it."
Psalm 40:1-2 says, "I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps."
I am consumed with love for my Creator because His love has consumed me. It has burned me up, and I want nothing less than Him. Life itself is entirely bland and unsatisfying compared to my Savior's love, yet it is so intensely enjoyable because of Him. I have found my soul at rest in the midst of whatever is brought my way. An abundance of grace is poured out, and my cup overflows with it. I am made vibrant with energy to serve Him, and to tell everyone I meet about Him. So this is abundant life... surrender, submission, even death to self. Recklessly I hurl more and more of my self down at his feet, and my spirit sings all the more beautifully.
His creation sings His praise. This morning the burning sunrise... amber and rose intertwining with golds, bore radiant evidence of His glory. And I in the midst of it, with my heart swelling with nothing but adoration. Tender new mothers with belly's swollen. Their children leap in the womb at the sound of His Name. Alive, I give every good and perfect gift back to the Father.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Be Still and Know that I am God
Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! - Psalm 27:14
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. -Psalm 62:1-2
My soul wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge is in God. -Psalm 62:5-7
Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him. -Psalm 37:3-5
I'm so used to living in America... the fast food, fast lane, fast line, high-speed, brain overloading culture that we are so emerged in. To sit in silence and wait for the LORD is something that I have been wrestling with lately. Silence... no computer keys clicking, no music blaring, no conversations circling, no internet screens flashing...
silence.
and nothing more.
When will you speak to me, Father? I often yell above the din. The racket noise of all my thoughts clanging and banging together like an orchestra of symbols clashes over my longing for Him. And I am swept away in a whirlwind, crying, LORD, LORD!
His words are gentle... His voice is soft and soothing. It is often much more quiet than the voice of the accuser, but when listened to, it is infinitely more powerful.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;"
Because He is what we long for. He is what we need. Our portion forever.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
stop and smell the roses
I was on my way home from church tonight with one of my dearest friends when we saw it... I'm a sucker for the sunset. After a quick U-turn, we pulled into a vacant parking lot to admire our precious Lord's articulate work in the sky. Pinks and golds sprinkled across blue fading into green and grays... a masterpiece.
"Have I told you lately how much I think about you..." the words of that song rang true in our ears as we loved God and enjoyed Him together. It's true, we weren't doing anything productive at the moment. We weren't in the trenches of ministry sweating it out for the Great Cause. For those few minutes, we were sitting in His presence, soaking Him up.
"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You." -Psalm 139:18-
The psalmist says "I am still with You." Infinitely connected and woven together with my Creator, I long for Him more. And because of this I am His bondservant. I will serve in the trenches of His will, existing as a light, groaning for the day when I will be wholly transformed.
What a joy to be pursued by Perfect Love.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Sarah Pierrepont- the wife of Jonathan Edwards
I found this short paragraph written by Jonathan Edwards in my Anthology of American Lit. It is written about the woman he later married. What a testimony of God's grace in her life.
Sarah Pierrepont
They say there is a young lady [in New Haven] who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world; and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on Him; that she expects after a while to be received up where He is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven, being assured hat He loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from Him always. There she is to dwell with Him, and to be ravished with His love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it, and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind, especially after this Great God has manifested Himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to lace, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.
1723
Jonathan Edwards
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I Boast No More
No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I had before
To trust the merits of thy Son
No more, my God, I boast no more
Now for the loss I bear His Name
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross
No more, my God, I boast no more
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
Yes, and I must and will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
Oh may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake.
Amen.
-Isaac Watts-
Saturday, September 01, 2007
My Heart Leaps...
Peace that passes ALL understanding? YES! In the midst of any circumstance? Oh how my heart leaps with utter joy and adoration. Worship the LORD. Praise Him for who HE IS. And can it be that I am not and shall never again be judged according to my own "good," which is as filthy rags to the King?
His blood is enough.
It is finished.
For while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
He Only is my rock and my salvation
Psalm 143-- my study Bible describes it as an earnest appeal for guidance and deliverance...
"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. In Your mercy cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my soul; For I am Your servant" 143:111-12
Father,
My thoughts are clouded with my own desires. I hate when a person is upset and I can do nothing to cure the frustration. Wisdom I lack. I will ask in faith of You. My mind is a raging storm of thoughts. I need You to calm the winds and remind me Who my God is. I must not be concerned with how things will affect me. My desire is to abandon all to You. To press on in the race, in my endless pursuit of You is imperative. I surrender my worries. I cast down my doubt. I hand You my poor attitude and my selfish will, and I remember that I am bound to You, and that You will not cast me off.
I want to love You, Jesus, because You have loved me... and then I am reminded that I am able to love you, because I am reminded that Your gruesome death has made me able. I can stand as I am before a righteous God, and His judgment of which I so often fear passes directly past me and on to You on that wretched, lovely cross. But You are not on that humiliating contraption now.
No, You are high... higher than the heavens. You are lifted up and all of creation is bowed down before You. You are great in power and magnificent in strength. You rule what You have spoken into existence with kindness and justice, and your wrath is poured on all that is against You.
My heart is drawn to repentance when I realize the gravity of my sin. I fear You, and then I am swept up in Your love. You have treated me gently. You have broken bones to heal them, and You tend to my wounds.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strenth,a nd my refuge is in God." Psalm 62:5-7
Friday, June 15, 2007
what a beautiful mess i'm in
It's funny how seasons come and pass so flippantly, as if it's an every day thing. I suppose it is an every day thing for everything to change... but for some reason I'm still not used to it.
Living alone is something I thought I would never do. I've always been needy of people around me constantly, and in fact, I still feel that way. In a lot of ways things are going great. I've got all the hours I could ever want for work, good people around me to pour into, enough cash to pay for school, rent, and food. I have been and am being successful at this whole independence thing... and yet I can barely wait to be finished with it.
I long for companionship. I often ache with a dull pain, and my tears seem in vain because there is no one to catch them in their hands. I have found that eating alone is a duty. It must be done to sustain energy, and that is all. There is no laughing... no poking fun at... there are no annoyances... no arguments. Only silence, and my occasional solitary voice singing whatever pops into my mind. I want a family to care for. The desire to be needed is unavoidable. I want to love and be loved.
This summer must be a time of pouring out. I must draw strength from my Redeemer. My Provider. I must learn to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself. I am painfully excited about this time of my life. So much uncertainty is bound to lead one to utter dependence on Whomever is Lord of her life.
Oh Lord, teach me to love you recklessly. Teach me to love people with an undying love, which is pure and radiant. Impute into me something that I can give and give and never receive, and yet have more to give. Keep Your promise that I will find you when I seek you with my whole heart. I hunger and thirst for You with every fiber of my being. Be with me even now.
Lord, I pray for whoever reads this. Be with the struggling and the weak. Be with those who have no strength to go on. I love you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
All Things New
There is something so refreshing about the word "new." The spring atmosphere brings the word to my mind.
"New" is an electric word... especially in the Word of God.
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in the newness of life." -Romans 6:4-
"And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience," -Ephesians 2:1-2-
A friend and I were talking, and the subject of sin came up. She said that we underestimate sin. Sin is not apathy towards God. It is not merely selfish pride, or wicked acts. Sin is hatred of God. It is purely wretched and evil... even the smallest sin. In my wretched state, I hated God. I was His enemy. He has a right to slay me due to my hatred of Him, for God is perfect. He defines the word "good." Take a moment to think about this.
Your worst enemy who hates you, and most certainly would kill you if he could, is about to die. He has done everything against you... he has lied to you, cheated you, raped you, stolen your children away if you have any... this person is murderous and deserves ultimate punishment. What would you do if this person was about to die? Would you save him? If it took your own life, would you intervene?
I wouldn't.
We are this murderous person. We have all sinned against God, and since sin is hatred of God, we are vile creatures, deserving only death.
Oh and one more thing...
We killed His precious Son. Jesus Christ intervened for our death. He took the blame for the sins of each man, woman, and child, and was punished accordingly.
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8-
New life comes through death. The Word says that when you lose your life, you will find it. I have never been more alive than when I died to myself and fully embraced Christ, who gave His life up that I might live alive.
Jesus Christ did not remain dead. He rose again after three days, and is alive today. He is beckoning the world to come and be washed in His blood. Have you been washed? Can you stand before God Almighty, knowing you are innocent because of His grace?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Candy Cane's and Birthday Fun
I'm 20 now. It was my birthday yesterday. 20 seems so much older than I am. The other day I was combing candy cane out of my hair, hoping I wouldn't have to cut it out. I don't even EAT candy canes! When I was younger, I thought of 20 year old people as sophisticated adults wearing classy clothes and making educated comments about politics. I'm not sure where I got that picture from, but that is definitely not me.
I'm enjoying the process of growing up. It's just life. This is a sort of awkward part of life, though, I have to admit. It kind of feels like "no man's land"... like I'm in limbo or something. I wonder if the rest of life is like that. When you're a kid, everything seems so permanent. I guess when you get older, you start to realize that there's only one permanent thing.
Yesterday my mom gave me a great birthday present. She filled up my tank with gas, got in my car, and we drove. We drove everywhere. While we talked, we drove through places soaked in memory. We drove over the mountain and through little towns that I've known for years. We talked and drove and enjoyed each other. When we passed our old "house" which was really a tiny trailor (that seemed huge to me when we lived in it), my mom was remembering being a young mother. She told me that it's a very fulfilling time of life to have little kids and a new husband. I was glad she said that to me.
I'm so thankful for family who loves me. For the people who have seen me at my worst, and who would be there in a heartbeat the second they found out I needed them. God really had a great idea when He created us relationally. There's so much joy in love and in friendship with each other!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
This little light of mine
It's so late at night and I'm wide awake...
It seems like I've been reminded over and over again lately how GREAT my God is, and how I have absolutely nothing to do with it... I have this bubbly feeling in my chest when I realize that I am on an adventure. A great big adventure that will last forever... it's not always easy, in fact it's mostly too hard for me to bear by myself, aside from the small "breathers" I've been blessed with. Knowing this is partly what stirs up those butterflies inside of me... my life... this adventure that I'm on is too hard for me to get through alone, and that's just the thing... I'm NOT alone! Ever... never ever am I left entirely helpless and hopeless.
God did not rescue me from my sin and then leave me alone. I am not fed to the wolves! I am not even able to destroy myself!!! "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Haven't you ever wanted to be free from yourself? Your self-pity, your self hatred... your self-centered self? I have... I struggle often with hating myself, pitying myself, and telling myself I deserve better... Here's the most exciting thing about that... When you trust in Jesus, you ARE free from yourself! In fact... when I come humbly before my Precious Lord and repent of my sin, asking Him to restore me, and thanking Him for His endless grace, I am dead to myself. I am free.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
"So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." - Romans 6:11
"But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness." - Romans 8:10
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A Breath of Fresh Air
As much as I hate gray weather, gray trees, brown grass, and bleak temperatures, they've helped instill in me a deep appreciation for life, color, and warmth. There's that saying, "You never know what you had until you've lost it." Well, where I'm from, that saying rings truer than ever, in my opinion. Everything dies in about the month of October, and we don't get it back until May. If you've never experienced the color gray for seven months out of a year, you most likely don't have the same appreciation for color and warmth as I do.
Yesterday I took a nice drive up to New Hampshire to visit family. After a relaxing day of playing "matching" with my curly-headed cousin (who is four, and quite a whimsical little character), and monopoly with the rest of the family, I went to sleep and woke up for the drive home... the drive was exactly what I needed.
I love to have my breath stolen by my Lord...
Somewhere along my life I've become addicted to the beauty God has created in nature. Lately I've been craving some kind of a surprise (which is how I feel when I see a breathtaking view of God's design). I was driving home all by myself singing David Crowder as loud as I could, when the sun broke forth through the clouds. I was instantly surrounded by streaming rays of warmth, and I gazed intently at the molten fiery ball of sun that you're not supposed to look at (especially while driving down the interstate). The colors were vibrant and majestic, and the sky that was clearing became that deep, bright blue that I often long to see. Such a great contrast against the dead, gray trees. I was wrapped in peace and held by love. I could hear the verse in Malachi that I love, "The Sun of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings;" (4:2).
"Raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then I'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully I'll run to You." I sang the words and felt the warmth, enjoying and admiring the gift that had just been given to me.
Thank you Jesus for healing... for allowing me to experience joy, and peace. Thank you for love, and especially for grace... those words that I am only beginning to understand. Thank you for reminding me yet again that this world is not my home... that I am a child designed for another world, and that I will indeed live to enter into that world. You are my home. You are my Rock... the only secure thing I have.
"even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." ~Romans 8:23-24~
Monday, January 01, 2007
cliche's never help
Have you ever felt bombarded by Christian cliche's? Smile! Jesus loves you! Once you understand the gospel, your life will be solved!
Sometimes I just want someone to listen. I want them to weep with me and to cry out to God with me. I don't want their answers... I already know the answers. It doesn't take away pain... is pain wrong?
I am convinced that pain can be felt amidst joy... that it is used for a great purpose. I will not despair. He has brought me through storms and trials before... He will hold me together through another if He wills to do so, and He has promised to do so...
I want to worship God with my life and not with my words alone. I want to tell people who are having a hard time that it is not easy. None of the apostles had easy lives. They weren't taking vacations and planning for retirement. They were being beaten and imprisoned... persecuted for this faith... yet they so passionately clung to this faith... why did they hold so tightly to this faith?
There must have been something magnificent to cling to if they were willing to go through all of this gruelling pain... something so great that it was worth intense suffering. In Acts 14, Paul and Barnabas encourage the people who had just received Christ with these words, "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (14:22) These men knew what kind of tribulations these new followers would face. Paul had just been stoned until they thought he was dead... James had been killed, Peter, his brother had been arrested... these men were destined to suffer pain, and yet they were filled with unexplainable joy and peace that surpassed all understanding.
These men were clinging to the only hope that exists. They were filled with the only supernatural power available. They possessed the One True Light. Their minds were renewed... they were transformed into new creatures... these men were fully alive, and if you have something to live for, it is certainly worth suffering and even dying for.
There is nothing cliche about following Jesus Christ. All your problems will not go away. In fact, following Christ involves death to self. It hurts! But I can promise that there is nothing more freeing than taking up your cross and following Him. My life is miserable when I live for myself. I am empty and cannot be filled without my precious Lord.
In Romans 8:18, Paul boldly declares, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God."
The rest of the chapter is amazing. Through all this weakness, all this pain, all this suffering, "we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor prinicalities nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 38-39~
I will dance, I will sing
To be mad for my King
Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul
And I'll become even more undignified than this...
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Lighthearted Anyone??
It's late, and I'm exhausted, so I probably shouldn't even try to write, but I feel like it.
I've been battling intense sorrow every day. I've been hating myself, condemning, bruising, beating myself into a pulp... all for nothing. "You're selfish... selfish... selfish... you can't change... stuck... forever. You don't deserve what you have... you are a burden to everyone... sick... why don't you just die so that you won't burden people with this inconvenient despair? Sorrow is wrong... you are wrong... you should never feel sadness, look what you have... see who you are not? you will never be her!!!" These jeering thoughts attack me when I'm alone. I can battle one at a time, but when they all come at once, it takes everything in me and a lot of Scripture verses to remember...
Grace... Mercy... Deliverance... Freedom... I can't imagine the pain Jesus felt when He took every single sin upon himself. Imagine the attacks Satan hurled at Him... the internal turmoil He must have faced... as if the physical pain weren't enough, think of the despair He must have felt... unthinkable...
And to think that my beating myself up is to say that His death was not bloody enough... His sacrifice was not painful ENOUGH to change such a miserable soul as me. No. His skin was shredded, His dignity stripped, His very person was cast into hell to pay for my wretchedness. I will not try to add to that sacrifice. "It is finished." In Him I live and move and have my being. Through His pain I AM made CLEAN and WHOLE and GOOD and PURE... I am God's daughter and He has called me beautiful. Me? That's what He says...
Someone told me recently not to take myself so seriously. To laugh at myself more often. I think it was good advice. I miss laughing. I don't want to make light of my sin, but to recognize it, change it, and to laugh about my flawed nature seems so much more appealing than to sit in hopeless misery feeling sorry for myself. I hope I can learn to laugh again. I pray that God would restore my joy... that my pride would not get in the way of enjoying the LIFE given so freely to me.
"They say that love can heal the broken... They say that hope can make you see... They say that faith fan find a Saviour... If you would follow and believe with faith like a child." ~Like a Child~ (I've been on a Jars of Clay kick)
Friday, December 22, 2006
Oh Come Let us Adore Him!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
~Jeremiah 29:11-14a~
Such great promises from such a BIG God... He is greater than my intellect and my human reasoning... so much greater. A huge burden is lifted from my shoulders when I read Deuteronomy 29:29
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that me may follow all the words of this law."
"Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." -Romans10:13
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Rest... glorious, joyful, beautiful rest in Him alone. The love I have craved and sought and run after is mine. The personal, deep, everlasting love and grace that offers a wellspring of LIFE is eternally MINE! "I am my lover's and He is mine." Forever. It's so beautifully surreal and so painfully true... I was redeemed by Jesus terrible suffering, and He has won me over. He has sought me out... He has knocked and I have swung the doors of my heart wide open. Upon invitation, my precious Saviour has entered the depths of my heart; He has shed light on all the darkness of my being, and He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.
I urge whoever reads this to allow Him to shed light on you. Allow yourself to be consumed with Him. By His grace, through your faith, you are saved. Rescued from the pit. Believe on Jesus Christ. He humbled Himself for you. He became a weak baby for you. He suffered to the point of death, and entered the gates of hell for YOU. He did this to free you from eternal death and from the agony of a broken sin nature.
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." -Malachi 4:2
"Oh come let us adore Him,
We'll give Him all the glory,
We'll praise His name forever,
For He ALONE is worthy,
Christ the Lord!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Worlds Apart
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icharus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to give and die. To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache...
Can I be the one to sacrifice or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you- take my world apart. To need you- I am on my knees. To need you- broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me. Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart...
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, and wipe away the crimson stains and all the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now. I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago, so steal my heart and take the pain. Wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears. I've sinned and oh God make me pure. Take my world all apart. Take it now, take it now. Return the ones that I've despised. Speak the words I can't deny. Wash the world I used to know of all the dust and wash away... Take my world apart.... I pray.... Take my world apart...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Joy in small things...
It's funny what I think will bring great joy, and what truly makes me happy. Sometimes I feel stuck in a small box where it is impossible for me to see anything great or to be truly satisfied. Life seems mediocre from such a perspective. However... when I open up my heart and my mind, and allow God to reveal Himself in everything I do, I know I am on a great adventure... that the path I am on, though dry and arid at times, winds on for an eternity... and not an eternity alone, but an eternity with the closest of companions.
Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me. How great a promise! Regardless of how alone I feel, I am always with my most intimate of friends.
Eternal life starts now. Even while I wash dishes and do the laundry and clean the house... while the sky is gray and the temperature is cold. When I feel that whatever I am doing is insignificant and worthless, I am doing it all to His glory, and His glory will ring out forever. My small life may bring some other small life joy through His grace and abundant love.
Your small life, however insignificant it may seem, can partake in eternal glory!!! Are you amazed? Enthralled? Overjoyed? I am encouraged to know that this life is not about me. It is a huge burden lifted off my back, and when I remember this, I feel as though I can breathe again.
Luke 1:38
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Transitions
Transitions are really hard for me... I get used to a certain groove, and being in school doesn't really offer a consistent groove of life. After finals, everything just stops, and I'm left there thinking, now what???
Every time I get home from school I go through some weird withdrawal. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe I'm just weird.
Aside from that, I'm here, and I'm ready to be used for the Lord in any way possible. The more idly I sit, the more I struggle with despair. I'm convinced God did not create us for rest alone. I have a sense of urgency to accomplish something and to be needed. This is biblical too, because even before sin entered our lives, Adam was placed in paradise to work. I guess it's in our blood.
Everyone from school, I miss you already... be blessed and be willing to be used and to work for the glory we are so fortunate to participate in!!!
"From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people." ~Psalm 3:8~
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Fly Away
I want to fly away. To grow out clipped wings... to stretch them out and fly, fly, fly away... Maybe I'll just drive.
Honestly, though, I'm tired of feeling caged in. I want so badly to be free from... from people? I don't know...
Being alone is not at all an appealing thought to me, but sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere and be in real solitude. My Maker and I and a sunrise. I'll find the spot all by myself and sit and stand and dance and sing to Him and talk with Him. I'll laugh and cry at once. I'll giggle out of pure delight at His wonders and sit in silence and in pure awe of His Majesty.
I'm tired of people monitering me. It's good to be looked out for, but sometimes I feel like a little pet that people want to take care of. I want to be fiercely alive. Independence is not what I crave. I will forever be wholly dependent on my Lord, and I do need the love of people around me. No, I do not desire independence but I do desire some fresh air...
I need to be challenged to live passionately; fiercely devoted to my Lord and wholly dependent and desperate for Him always... instead I feel coddled; treated as though I may break, or that I am a silly girl with a lack of common sense. Maybe this feeling is self-inflicted. Maybe I have been over protected for my entire life, and I am growing weary from it. Who knows... all I know is that right now I feel like flying away, but from what I'm not quite sure.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Hymn
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Living "Now"
I'm putting off writing an ethics paper... well I guess I'm prepping myself for it by writing a blog. Haha...
I find myself getting very sentimental around this time of year. Sometimes it's an achy sentiment and sometimes it feels like pure ecstacy. I've been feeling ready to grow up. I'm excited to live and to walk a path that is not bound to the expectations of people. I'm not sure where I will be led, but I am at rest knowing that I am being led somewhere.
The hardest thing for me is living in the present. If you think about it, all we really have is now. When now is painful, I have a hard time living it. I used to try to run away from the "now" if it hurt. I would run away in my thoughts and in sleep and in books and by planning how good the future would be... even by regretting things of the past. Lately I've been learning that "Now" is always a blessing. Even if it is painful. Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and through all of that... hope is produced. Pure, incorruptible hope. There is no shame in hope, because we hope for what is true.
I have a few friends that have been witnesses to me of this inconceivable hope through suffering. One friend of mine is battling breast cancer. She has not fallen into despair... not even close. You should see the light in her eyes... it is breathtaking. I have never seen so much beauty as in those who know what pain in life is and who are madly in love with their Savior. Love makes people do some crazy things. You can withstand a lot more when you are in love.
I am being lured towards God. His Glory is proclaimed everywhere I look. I have asked Him to peel open my tightly closed heart, and He has been doing just that. I press myself close to Him and gaze straight at Him in awe and with much adoration. I see Him in the eyes of others who are in love with Him. I see the hunger in people who do not have Him. He is becoming my companion. My loneliness has driven me closer to Him, and I am ever thankful for it. I will gladly embrace whatever affliction is brought to me and allow it to be used to bring me closer to the One I am living for.
Don't get me wrong... I don't enjoy afflictions. I don't beg for pain or pray for adversity. I battle with depression and despair almost every day, and it is not because I so desire it. Those things are a part of my flesh. Without Christ I would surely have been overcome by despair, but WITH Him I walk in victory. I have to lay this battle at His feet every day. There are mornings when I roll out of bed and hit the floor on my knees because my thoughts are in such disarray. Despair does come, but it flees when I look to Christ. Every time I look at Him and remember what He has done for me, depression vanishes. He is my joy. My peace. My love. My hope. My life.
"In Him was life and the the life was the LIGHT of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it." ~John 1:4-5~
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Rain, rain go away...
Romans 5 says that "we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I am not sure I know the meaning of true suffering. I know the dull ache of monotony, and the sharp pain of a heart break, but neither of these seem to be true suffering. The latter is at times unavoidable, and may truly qualify as "suffering" but the first must be able to be avoided. One is unable to rejoice amidst monotony. I am not speaking about the every day mundane activities we all experience. Even in these, one can rejoice in the hope of the Lord. But true monotony... this to me seems the most dangerous mind set to become trapped in. To become bored, even with God, is life-threatening. It is to say "God was not enough. He could not fill me. I have drained Him as a Source, and have come up empty."
I have been in this place before. I don't think it is an uncommon place for many Christians to be. I have been bored with what I thought was God. It squelched my will to live. It stripped me of any purpose or meaning in my life.
Jesus did not die on the cross merely to give out free tickets out of hell. He came as a weak baby and offered his body up in a bloody sacrifice so that we might be restored into a relationship with God. God is not mocked. He does not need us to give Him glory, yet He took on death so that we might be able to participate in His glory. We can freely enjoy being in His presence. We are clean... We are free... if we accept the freedom.
I must admit... I do not know how to fully enjoy the gift I have received. I so easily let my anxious thoughts get in the way of Him. It's as though I keep searching my empty pockets for something to give in return for a beautiful diamond ring I have just received, when all He wants me to do is gaze into His eyes and love Him. I expect to spend the rest of my life looking at Him and falling deeper into the realization of the depth of Him and His love.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I held a baby...
A few nights ago I led worship at Heritage youth group. The youth pastor and his wife have a 4 month old baby named Isaiah. He is precious. I have never really known whether or not I was one of those people who is good with babies, but I think I fell in love that night. He snuggled his head right under my chin and fell asleep, and I never wanted to put him down... I can't wait to be a mom.
Lighthearted Anyone??
It's late, and I'm exhausted, so I probably shouldn't even try to write, but I feel like it.
I've been battling intense sorrow every day. I've been hating myself, condemning, bruising, beating myself into a pulp... all for nothing. "You're selfish... selfish... selfish... you can't change... stuck... forever. You don't deserve what you have... you are a burden to everyone... sick... why don't you just die so that you won't burden people with this inconvenient despair? Sorrow is wrong... you are wrong... you should never feel sadness, look what you have... see who you are not? you will never be her!!!" These jeering thoughts attack me when I'm alone. I can battle one at a time, but when they all come at once, it takes everything in me and a lot of Scripture verses to remember...
Grace... Mercy... Deliverance... Freedom... I can't imagine the pain Jesus felt when He took every single sin upon himself. Imagine the attacks Satan hurled at Him... the internal turmoil He must have faced... as if the physical pain weren't enough, think of the despair He must have felt... unthinkable...
And to think that my beating myself up is to say that His death was not bloody enough... His sacrifice was not painful ENOUGH to change such a miserable soul as me. No. His skin was shredded, His dignity stripped, His very person was cast into hell to pay for my wretchedness. I will not try to add to that sacrifice. "It is finished." In Him I live and move and have my being. Through His pain I AM made CLEAN and WHOLE and GOOD and PURE... I am God's daughter and He has called me beautiful. Me? That's what He says...
Someone told me recently not to take myself so seriously. To laugh at myself more often. I think it was good advice. I miss laughing. I don't want to make light of my sin, but to recognize it, change it, and to laugh about my flawed nature seems so much more appealing than to sit in hopeless misery feeling sorry for myself. I hope I can learn to laugh again. I pray that God would restore my joy... that my pride would not get in the way of enjoying the LIFE given so freely to me.
"They say that love can heal the broken... They say that hope can make you see... They say that faith fan find a Saviour... If you would follow and believe with faith like a child." ~Like a Child~ (I've been on a Jars of Clay kick)
Friday, December 22, 2006
Oh Come Let us Adore Him!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
~Jeremiah 29:11-14a~
Such great promises from such a BIG God... He is greater than my intellect and my human reasoning... so much greater. A huge burden is lifted from my shoulders when I read Deuteronomy 29:29
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that me may follow all the words of this law."
"Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." -Romans10:13
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Rest... glorious, joyful, beautiful rest in Him alone. The love I have craved and sought and run after is mine. The personal, deep, everlasting love and grace that offers a wellspring of LIFE is eternally MINE! "I am my lover's and He is mine." Forever. It's so beautifully surreal and so painfully true... I was redeemed by Jesus terrible suffering, and He has won me over. He has sought me out... He has knocked and I have swung the doors of my heart wide open. Upon invitation, my precious Saviour has entered the depths of my heart; He has shed light on all the darkness of my being, and He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.
I urge whoever reads this to allow Him to shed light on you. Allow yourself to be consumed with Him. By His grace, through your faith, you are saved. Rescued from the pit. Believe on Jesus Christ. He humbled Himself for you. He became a weak baby for you. He suffered to the point of death, and entered the gates of hell for YOU. He did this to free you from eternal death and from the agony of a broken sin nature.
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." -Malachi 4:2
"Oh come let us adore Him,
We'll give Him all the glory,
We'll praise His name forever,
For He ALONE is worthy,
Christ the Lord!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Worlds Apart
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icharus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to give and die. To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache...
Can I be the one to sacrifice or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you- take my world apart. To need you- I am on my knees. To need you- broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me. Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart...
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, and wipe away the crimson stains and all the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now. I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago, so steal my heart and take the pain. Wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears. I've sinned and oh God make me pure. Take my world all apart. Take it now, take it now. Return the ones that I've despised. Speak the words I can't deny. Wash the world I used to know of all the dust and wash away... Take my world apart.... I pray.... Take my world apart...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Joy in small things...
It's funny what I think will bring great joy, and what truly makes me happy. Sometimes I feel stuck in a small box where it is impossible for me to see anything great or to be truly satisfied. Life seems mediocre from such a perspective. However... when I open up my heart and my mind, and allow God to reveal Himself in everything I do, I know I am on a great adventure... that the path I am on, though dry and arid at times, winds on for an eternity... and not an eternity alone, but an eternity with the closest of companions.
Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me. How great a promise! Regardless of how alone I feel, I am always with my most intimate of friends.
Eternal life starts now. Even while I wash dishes and do the laundry and clean the house... while the sky is gray and the temperature is cold. When I feel that whatever I am doing is insignificant and worthless, I am doing it all to His glory, and His glory will ring out forever. My small life may bring some other small life joy through His grace and abundant love.
Your small life, however insignificant it may seem, can partake in eternal glory!!! Are you amazed? Enthralled? Overjoyed? I am encouraged to know that this life is not about me. It is a huge burden lifted off my back, and when I remember this, I feel as though I can breathe again.
Luke 1:38
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Transitions
Transitions are really hard for me... I get used to a certain groove, and being in school doesn't really offer a consistent groove of life. After finals, everything just stops, and I'm left there thinking, now what???
Every time I get home from school I go through some weird withdrawal. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe I'm just weird.
Aside from that, I'm here, and I'm ready to be used for the Lord in any way possible. The more idly I sit, the more I struggle with despair. I'm convinced God did not create us for rest alone. I have a sense of urgency to accomplish something and to be needed. This is biblical too, because even before sin entered our lives, Adam was placed in paradise to work. I guess it's in our blood.
Everyone from school, I miss you already... be blessed and be willing to be used and to work for the glory we are so fortunate to participate in!!!
"From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people." ~Psalm 3:8~
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Fly Away
I want to fly away. To grow out clipped wings... to stretch them out and fly, fly, fly away... Maybe I'll just drive.
Honestly, though, I'm tired of feeling caged in. I want so badly to be free from... from people? I don't know...
Being alone is not at all an appealing thought to me, but sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere and be in real solitude. My Maker and I and a sunrise. I'll find the spot all by myself and sit and stand and dance and sing to Him and talk with Him. I'll laugh and cry at once. I'll giggle out of pure delight at His wonders and sit in silence and in pure awe of His Majesty.
I'm tired of people monitering me. It's good to be looked out for, but sometimes I feel like a little pet that people want to take care of. I want to be fiercely alive. Independence is not what I crave. I will forever be wholly dependent on my Lord, and I do need the love of people around me. No, I do not desire independence but I do desire some fresh air...
I need to be challenged to live passionately; fiercely devoted to my Lord and wholly dependent and desperate for Him always... instead I feel coddled; treated as though I may break, or that I am a silly girl with a lack of common sense. Maybe this feeling is self-inflicted. Maybe I have been over protected for my entire life, and I am growing weary from it. Who knows... all I know is that right now I feel like flying away, but from what I'm not quite sure.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Hymn
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Living "Now"
I'm putting off writing an ethics paper... well I guess I'm prepping myself for it by writing a blog. Haha...
I find myself getting very sentimental around this time of year. Sometimes it's an achy sentiment and sometimes it feels like pure ecstacy. I've been feeling ready to grow up. I'm excited to live and to walk a path that is not bound to the expectations of people. I'm not sure where I will be led, but I am at rest knowing that I am being led somewhere.
The hardest thing for me is living in the present. If you think about it, all we really have is now. When now is painful, I have a hard time living it. I used to try to run away from the "now" if it hurt. I would run away in my thoughts and in sleep and in books and by planning how good the future would be... even by regretting things of the past. Lately I've been learning that "Now" is always a blessing. Even if it is painful. Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and through all of that... hope is produced. Pure, incorruptible hope. There is no shame in hope, because we hope for what is true.
I have a few friends that have been witnesses to me of this inconceivable hope through suffering. One friend of mine is battling breast cancer. She has not fallen into despair... not even close. You should see the light in her eyes... it is breathtaking. I have never seen so much beauty as in those who know what pain in life is and who are madly in love with their Savior. Love makes people do some crazy things. You can withstand a lot more when you are in love.
I am being lured towards God. His Glory is proclaimed everywhere I look. I have asked Him to peel open my tightly closed heart, and He has been doing just that. I press myself close to Him and gaze straight at Him in awe and with much adoration. I see Him in the eyes of others who are in love with Him. I see the hunger in people who do not have Him. He is becoming my companion. My loneliness has driven me closer to Him, and I am ever thankful for it. I will gladly embrace whatever affliction is brought to me and allow it to be used to bring me closer to the One I am living for.
Don't get me wrong... I don't enjoy afflictions. I don't beg for pain or pray for adversity. I battle with depression and despair almost every day, and it is not because I so desire it. Those things are a part of my flesh. Without Christ I would surely have been overcome by despair, but WITH Him I walk in victory. I have to lay this battle at His feet every day. There are mornings when I roll out of bed and hit the floor on my knees because my thoughts are in such disarray. Despair does come, but it flees when I look to Christ. Every time I look at Him and remember what He has done for me, depression vanishes. He is my joy. My peace. My love. My hope. My life.
"In Him was life and the the life was the LIGHT of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it." ~John 1:4-5~
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Rain, rain go away...
Romans 5 says that "we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I am not sure I know the meaning of true suffering. I know the dull ache of monotony, and the sharp pain of a heart break, but neither of these seem to be true suffering. The latter is at times unavoidable, and may truly qualify as "suffering" but the first must be able to be avoided. One is unable to rejoice amidst monotony. I am not speaking about the every day mundane activities we all experience. Even in these, one can rejoice in the hope of the Lord. But true monotony... this to me seems the most dangerous mind set to become trapped in. To become bored, even with God, is life-threatening. It is to say "God was not enough. He could not fill me. I have drained Him as a Source, and have come up empty."
I have been in this place before. I don't think it is an uncommon place for many Christians to be. I have been bored with what I thought was God. It squelched my will to live. It stripped me of any purpose or meaning in my life.
Jesus did not die on the cross merely to give out free tickets out of hell. He came as a weak baby and offered his body up in a bloody sacrifice so that we might be restored into a relationship with God. God is not mocked. He does not need us to give Him glory, yet He took on death so that we might be able to participate in His glory. We can freely enjoy being in His presence. We are clean... We are free... if we accept the freedom.
I must admit... I do not know how to fully enjoy the gift I have received. I so easily let my anxious thoughts get in the way of Him. It's as though I keep searching my empty pockets for something to give in return for a beautiful diamond ring I have just received, when all He wants me to do is gaze into His eyes and love Him. I expect to spend the rest of my life looking at Him and falling deeper into the realization of the depth of Him and His love.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I held a baby...
A few nights ago I led worship at Heritage youth group. The youth pastor and his wife have a 4 month old baby named Isaiah. He is precious. I have never really known whether or not I was one of those people who is good with babies, but I think I fell in love that night. He snuggled his head right under my chin and fell asleep, and I never wanted to put him down... I can't wait to be a mom.
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